Not going to lie. Me and God have been going a few rounds over the past couple of months. About 5 weeks ago, I thought I was at a breaking point so I just told Him to “take me out”, metaphorically, of course. If I needed to “die” in order to “live”, I just wanted Him to end it. Instead of the double-tap to the back of the head that I was hoping for, I got placed into hospice. And waited.
At the same time, one of my wife’s grandmothers, was facing her own end, this one very real. At 95, she feel and broke her hip (second time in 6 years). After having a pin put in, she rallied, only to falter a day or so later. She too lingered for several days.
As I pondered these two events, I began to think about how one “dies gracefully.” Obviously, the death of a loved one affects those around them, and those closest the most. How does one die, and at the same time, not affect those around them? In my case, not very well. I withdraw from those around me, create walls of separation because I simply want to be left alone. I just want to die. However, I wanted Him to just take it.
As time passed, I realized (remembered) that God does not take us. Our lives are something that we willingly lay down, as Jesus did. In John 10:18, Jesus is quoted, “No one can take my life from me. I sacrifice it voluntarily.” Asking God to “end me” is foolishness. It erases the freedom I have to walk away. No longer sovereign, it makes Him controlling.
Last night, it happened again. I rolled up my sleeves, and told Him I was done…with Him. I just couldn’t care anymore. I’m at His mercy, and He wins. Dangerous. As David Crowder sings, “Sometimes You’re further than the moon…”
Today, as I woke up, went on the daily run, He (rather, I) was back. Processing my faith, my limited understanding, in Him. I’ve told people over the years that it is often when we feel furthest from Him that we are, in fact, closer than ever. David Crowder continues, “Sometimes You’re closer than my skin…”
Cue the Daily Readings.
2 Peter 3:8-9– God’s simply waiting for my repentance.
Genesis 28:10-17– God is in my midst, and like Jacob, I’m unaware.
Ezekiel 43:27-44:4– I should be on my face before Him, not spewing anger at Him.
Proverbs 9:1-11– My fear of God is the beginning of my understanding of Him.
Luke 1:39-49, 56– Promises are fulfilled after belief, not before.
2 Corinthians 3:4-11– We’re nothing on our own (Sounds like a Coldplay lyric).
Matthew 23:29-39– You’re out of here until and unless we recognize you for Who You Are.
Philippians 2:5-11– Anything less than my bowing and confession as to Who You Are means that I believe we are equal.
Luke 10:38-42, 11:27-28– Blessed are those that hear, and act upon their hearing.
I’ve fought. I’ve fled. Maybe, it’s time for surrender.