I happened again.
On March 19, 2008, I posted the following on my old blog:
“It’s gone. The driver license, the credit cards, the social security card, the $2 bill my dad sent to me when I was at Fort Knox in 1991. All of it. and searching for it over the last two days has consumed my time and energy. In my quest, I have not spent time with my family, and have even ignored God. And I am angry, bitter, frustrated…and it is so stupid. There have been some places that I have checked literally dozens of times. Last night, I was up until 12:45 looking in the basement for it, looking outside, in my car…again.
While I was rummaging through boxes in the basement, it hit me. What am I doing? What am I pursuing? I thought about all of the time, energy, emotion put into finding a wallet. What if I expended a tenth of a percent of that time, energy and emotion into pursuing righteousness? As much as I like to think otherwise, I am pathetic. Even though I may find my wallet, I will still be unrighteous. I will still be unworthy of the mercy and grace shown me by God.
That’s what I eventually feel asleep thinking about last night, it was on my mind at 5:45am when the alarm went off, when I was lifting and on the elliptical at the gym, when I was eating breakfast, waiting in line at the DMV for my new license, and it is what is overtaking my thoughts even as I write this.
Luke 8 tells the stories of things that were lost, and the joy that takes place when the item is recovered. When the lost sheep, coin and son are found, there is rejoicing. But that is not the point. When someone repents, there is untold joy and happiness in heaven. I need to repent of the idolatry of my wallet. I need to repent of the things that take me away from my pursuit of God.
While I indeed hope that my wallet is found, I hope that my time, energy and emotion will spent be spent in repentance and knowledge of God. “
It seems that I learned absolutely nothing from this. Because, now, it’s gone again. However, the same energy, emotion, frustration and bitterness remains…and again, my family has to deal with me. I’ve found myself wondering about divine purpose in all of this.
For some reason, I prefer John Bender‘s explanation over John Calvin…”Sometimes screws fall out all the time… the world’s an imperfect place.”
Which, in light of the anger, bitterness and immaturity I’ve shown over the past 2 days, leaves me feeling very, very empty inside.